Curse Words.

I JUST realized HOW much HOMEWORK I have to do this week.
I mean, I would list it, but midway, I might hang myself.

And I don't want to put myself in that kind of danger.

But seriously, Finals kill me. I have SO much to do. MORE than last semester, and I even wrote that hate letter.
And i am using CAPS to express my INSANE FRUSTRATION.

I really do not think I will survive this. If i do, it will be by....i don't know. I might have to sell body parts. Which, scarily, I am actually willing to do.

Like Now? Like Ever.

So I just posted this entire page of my blog onto a site called Wordle.

Apparently, I have a very limited vocabulary. Or I like similes a lot. I'll go with the latter.

Check this.

It's what all the cool kids did.

Myspace surveys.

I remember the days when we would all sit around and rad about each others personal lives in the form of surveys. Getting excited when one of the questions would say "Do you lyke some1?" and the person would answer with "Totallee."

Or something like that.

Well, here we are again. I was going through some old myspace blog entries and found a few surveys. I had already filled these out once before, and it was so odd to see how I expressed myself at that time. Strange but good, I was a happy kid. Courtney and I are now going to answer questions about ourselves for no one in particular. Second time can be a charm, too. Enjoy.

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?
I could very well say those two words, but... then that would be too obvious.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Let's just say I'm getting to it.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Rolling over verrry slowly in bed. Sunburn fml.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
iChatting it up. And staring out a window.

5. Are you any good at math?
Are you? Is anyone? I might have to go to Calcaholics anonymous someday.

6. Your prom night?
(I thought that said porn night, at first.)

Long time ago. I remember uncomfortable shoes, too much make up, and The Best of Will Ferrell.
(I guess that answer could go for both....O_O)
7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
I said Mr. Whitehead here before. I think I will stick with him.

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
No, not yet. Master's Degree, here I come.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Words? Are there words? What is the song?

10. Last thing received in the mail?
A fantastic stack of birthday cards.

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
One. Water. However, from three different places.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
All the time, I love doin' that shiz.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Rebecca "Wait For Me" St. James.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Depends on what beach. The witness protection program talks about that.. there are rules. But I like to draw my name on other things. Like. Everythings.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Wisdom teeth extraction. HOLY CRAP, DRY SOCKET EFFING KILLS.

16. What is out your back door?
About two feet of grass, a brick wall, and then an abundance of old people.

17. Any plans for tonight?
Evan Human's Senior recital, and then.. who knows. Probably more homework. H8.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
I agree with my past opinion. "Never have I ever."

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn?
I don't feel Like i necessarily "received" it. But they tended to just appear out of the blue in our living room around the holidays.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
No, where are they? I don't think I've ever had the option. I blame Obama.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Nope, I just throw them right out to the peasants.

22. Some things you are excited about?
Choir Tour (I KNOW), Finishing this semester, summer time, dinner time.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Jell-no.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
If they are, they've done a good job of keeping it secret.

25. Describe your keychain:
Watch your mouth.

26. Where do you keep your change?
In the future. Far away from fake santa's with bells.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Whenever I'm speaking outloud and heading towards the caf.

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
Lustrous and golden.

29. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Some kinda nasty.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed. Sometimes people don't know the meaning of quiet.

NUMBER TWO.

My autobiography. Or "Myography" as Courtney so "genius-ly" put it.
Current mood:shoe

Where did you take your default pic?
Somewhere in Riverside, in a building with other children like myself.

What exactly are you wearing right now?
Sweats from choncho. And some AmAppy. And a sunburn from the lord of the underworld.

What is your current problem?
Probz: school, sunburn, intense thirst, poor grammar, hunger, and my constant worried little head.

What makes you most happy?
Printing out a finished essay. And Chipotle. And Courtney/Steffanie time. And John Green's youtube videos. And laughter.

If you could go back in time and change something would you?
Oh, yes indeed. Mostly this entire semester.

Name something obvious about you:
I am a giant. But I don't feel like one. So it's okay.

What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Blue and Gold Print by Mates of State

Any celeb you would marry?
Zacquisha. (Zac Efron...) And John Krasinski. Or both.

Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Tanner Rollins still lives on as the only person I've ever met with the same birthday as me.

Do you have a crush on someone?
No, I officially do not and do NOT want to. So there.

Ever sang in front of a large audience?
About three times a month this entire school year.

What do you usually order from Starbucks?
All kinds of things. I'm doing the whole Iced Coffee thing as of late.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Actually, I think not. Which is weird, I feel like everyone gets compared to a celeb. Nope, not me.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
Kiddie? Do people still use that term? Yes, I do sometimes. I'm more about reminiscing about what I used to watch as a kid instead of whats out there now. However, I definitely know about it.

Do you speak any other languages?
Yeah, I should probably brush up on my Spanish. For my future carreer. As.. something important and bilingual.

What magazines do you read?
JPG, Real Simple, Cracked. Small Businessman. Entrepreneurs Anonymous.


Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Just that one time as a kid with my Uncle Roy. Never since.

Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
I think this has happened to just about everyone.

Do you ever watch MTV?
Rarely, these days. Wow, how things have changed.

What's something that really annoys you?
Dishonesty. And bad jokes.


**Chapter 1:**

Middle name:
Marlene. Peligroso.

Nickname(s):
Cookie. Berlin. B-land. Brook-E.

Current location:
Up. 215.

Eye color:
poop. (still.)

**Chapter 2:**

Do you live with your parents?
I live with four girls. Who I am not related to. Oh the joys of college.

Do you get along with your parents:
I try. I get along much better from a distance. Over the phone. But when we're in the same house, things tense up a but. Its a small house.

Are your parents married/separated/divorced:
My parents were never married, and my grandparents met when they were ten and never left each others sides.

Do you have any siblings:
Fernanda, my half sister. She's punk. And Mexican.

**Chapter 3:favorite**

Ice cream flavor:
Cinnamon Buns. Thank you Ben. Not you, Jerry. You know what you did.


Season:
Season three, Episode 10.

Shampoo/conditioner:
Or else.


**Chapter 4: Do You**

Sing in the shower:
I sing when I wash my hair, usually something from Rent. And then in the bath, I read. Maybe a humm here and there.

Write on your hand?
Almost everyday. My hand now says "J 138" and "eight"... why, I do not know.

Call people back:
I'm pretty good at this these days.

Believe in love:
Insanely.

Sleep on a certain side of the bed:
In the middle.. its a twin. There is no where else but the middle.

Have any bad habits:
Procrastination. A.k.a. doing this kind of stuff all day. And over-planning my day.


**Chapter 5: Have You Ever**

Broken a bone:
Nope, not ever close. Now i better go knock some wood. (that... is. not. twss.)

Gotten stitches:
Never ever never ever never gonna get it naah nooo no no no never ever. Thats not really a song or anything. I just couldnt stop typing.

Taken painkillers:
Or I would have died that one time, I think.

Gone SCUBA diving:
Why are you yelling?

Been stung by a bee:
All kinds a times. F*** bees.

Thrown up in a restaurant:
"yep.. and it was the last time anyone ever saw Yebber ManJensen." --is what I said the first time. I think I will go with that.


Been to overnight camp:

Been there. Worked it. Hard. Got paid. Left.

Sworn in front of your parents:
Multiple times in front of my mother (I had good reasons) and ONCE in front of my grandmother. Quoting something.

Had detention:
HA!

Been sent to the principal's office:
I don't think I saw the principle once until graduation.

Been called a hoe:
Girls these days. Calling everyone a hoe.

**Chaper 6: Who/What was the last**

Person to text you?
Marbets.

What did it say:
That is confidential information--- OKAY FINE. "Yup, I think she wend on a date :S i guess we're gonna get together tomorrow and talk"

Person to call ?
My good ole Nana :)

Person you hugged:
It would be nice if it were the same person as my first answer. But I think it was Tim Wilson. I need to hug people more often. Eff sunburns.

Person you tackled?:
Liz at Disneyland.

Thing you touched:
The down key.

Thing you ate:
a cold french fry. :(

Thing you drank:
Water from the sink. My organs can handle it.

Thing you said:
"Peligroso es me nombre medio." Yes. Outloud.

and there you have. it.

I know this is long. But it is also worthwhile. You made it! YOU MADE IT TO THE END! High five yourself.

Homework City.

I'm not gonna lie.

I am incredibly stressed. Like I am pretty much failing at life right now.

And I just want to quit.

I want to give up. Of course, I won't. I WON'T. But geeze, I hate school. Hate it.

Because it's the one thing that defeats me.

I just need Jesus to show up in my room and give me a hug. Thats. All. I. Need.

Twenty.

I've lived.

Twenty long years.

I mean, when people say that life seems likes its going by so quickly, its only because they're setting it alongside forever. And, of course, there's nothing wrong with that. But another reason is because our memories fail us and we can only really recall various important events in our lives making them seem much shorter than they have been. So just take a moment, sit in silence, and think. Dig out all the memories you can muster from those dimly lit corners of your brain. Think of a day you remember and try to think of every minute that day. Yeah, you probably won't be able to accomplish this, but through this "deep thinking" you may remember moments you thought you'd forgotten forever.

I've been doing this a lot lately. Just last night I had a near three hour conversation with two great friends of mine and I got to retell some high school memories. It's like my brain comes to life when I get to tell my story. All the gears and wheels inside start spinning away and lights are flashing and all the little machine parts are just whirring away while I speak a thousand words a minute.

All this to say... I love my life. Maybe not at this very moment, but when I actually take time to think about my entire life thus far, I am overwhelmed. I have been beyond blessed. And am still being blessed. I can't believe how much growth has happened in my life in the past two or three years. So much change. Not always good change, but generally in the right direction.

So here it goes. The copy cat that lives within me (everyone has one) has decided to jump on the band wagon and follow in the steps of good ole Courtney. She listed those people who have helped mold her into who she is today. She named twenty-two, alphabetically, one for every year she has lived. Here are mine. They are in no particular order, other than the order that they came to mind and/or the order that my fingers decided to type them.

1. Marybeth is my best friend. She is short and she is kind. She is Marzypan. She is my person.

2. Courtney Stewart was a hard shell to crack but I cannot imagine not being her friend. We're friends until our dying day.

3. Alisha Stewart is glamorous and "fab", as she would say. She is courageous and incredibly strong. She made public high school a LOT more enjoyable and entertaining.

4. My first real crush was Michael Thomas. I would not even be a little bit of who I am today, if it were not for this boy. He showed me... comedy. Thank you, good sir.

5. Nikki Freeman was my first friend from my third year of life. She taught me how to ride a bike. When the tree in our front yard got cut down, she moved away. So, whenever I see tree branches being trimmed, I think of her.

6. Courtney Watson is. Braveheart. She is the realest thing I have ever come in contact with. I would not be alive if it were not for her.

7. Steffanie Jarrell is the second half to the Courtney/Steffanie combo. We once talked from when Courtney left for work and until she got off. And we didn't move once. We could probably have conversations like that every single day. :)

8. Yesena, you were my most dangerous friend. You got me into trouble, you taught me lots of cuss words, and you let me taste alcohol. I let you cheat off me on all of our homework and I lied a lot when I was friends with you. That's why I had to break up with you.. so to speak. But still, I would not be mean without our year of friendship.

9. Carly. She was much older than me when we met, but Hamby's brings the most unlikely of friends together. I had the one lonely table in the back of the classroom and she came in and shared it with me all year. She drew cool things and had fancy handwriting. She wore a scrunchy on her upper arm and knew how to serve a volleyball. I wanted to be like her.

10. Justin Thompson. He was my first boy friend. Friend that is a boy. We fought for the title of Valedictorian in 8th grade. I won. He got Salutatorian. Also, you told me about sex, unknowingly, by explaining to me the lyrics of a rap song.

11. Ralphie. Okay, so maybe he was my first friend that was a boy. But I feel like we were more enemies at the time. Nevertheless, our neighborhood would not have been the same without our watergun wars and Mcdonald's toy trading.

12. Lauren Tucker. She was my first college roommate. Also, she was the most rambunctious and difficult child I'd ever met throughout the course of my life. Her first words to me were, "Want to be my best friend?" We were five in Sunday School.

13. Nikki (Howell) Nisly. When I first saw this girl, on a pondo summer camp video, I thought she looked like the COOLEST PERSON EVER. And so I was determined to meet her. I was intimidated by her, but as we got to know each other, it was magic. Turns out, she had flaws and we had similar ones and we both spent two summers talking the crap out of them. haha

14. Nora Serino. I thank Planet Wisdom and V-shatting for our friendship. I'm not sure how to sum up..you. But just know you've molded me. In both good and bad ways. But mostly good.

15. Timmy Shilling. He taught me that there is more to life than Dashboard Confessional.

16. My grandmother. She raised me. She raised the crap out of me. Had I actually been raised by my mother....I would not. Be. Well, I may possibly be dead. So, thanks Nana!

17. My grandfather. He is the father figure in my life. He provides for me, he loves me, and he's shown me how a real man is supposed to be.

18. Liz. She is. Well, she is Liz. She is my second best friend, she drools, she's picky, she yells, and she sings. I like her.

19. Claire. I would not have survived summer school without this girl. While I was trying to save my life and my college education and not get a giant ulcer from all the stress, she managed to make me laugh. A lot.

20. Ben. Well...I liked you first. And maybe it made my Birthday last year a little awkward. But if things had been different, we wouldn't be such great friends now. I miss the old days sometimes, you helped make freshman year what it was.

Thats an extremely small portion. However, if I really get going with this, I will never stop. Next thing you know, I'll be thanking Esmerelda, the 7eleven lady who gives me discounts on nachos.

I think my brain is expanding.

Not that I'm incredibly upset about this or really even excited, but I can't quite figure out why.

Well, okay. I have a few ideas as to why. But I have to gather my thoughts before I expound on this any further. Just know that an explosion of a blog is coming.

Hold your breath and your fluttery sleeves.

It's time now, to sing out...

This is what I want to do.

Watch this all day. Be in it? Probably not. But just watch this stuff all day long. Rent or any broadway production for that matter. Please and thank you. I saw this Sunday night because of my immensely fantastic friends Courtney and Steffanie. They took me out for an adventure in San Diego, (thank the Lord the Germans discovered this magical place in 1904) and ended the day with a semi-back row seat to see this. And the entire thing was STILL amazing. My face would have probably been blown clean off had I actually seen it in the front row. So, for that, I believe I owe my friends my life/face. Thank you.

Anyway, on another rather profound note, I have no home.

I came home today for spring break thanks to Marybeth and her trusty red mazda sedan thingy. As soon as I entered my little brown house through the white metal door on the same street I grew up in, I knew something was different. I looked around for a new paint job, I hugged my Nana, I pet the dog, I looked in the fridge. All was the same. Sure, my mother was here, whom I haven't seen since I was a teenager... last January-ish. But still, that wasn't it. My room had a few changes, a moved picture frame, a dusted table top. Everything looked just the way it usually looks when I come home from school. Then suddenly, I sat down in the chair at my desk and took my sunglasses off my head. I realized I wasn't sitting in my bed because it was freshly made. Because I thought that would be rude to ruin it. I thought it would be rude to mess up my own blankets. It was at this moment I realized that I am no longer a member of this household. Sure, I'm still in this family, but in this home, I am just a visitor. Everything felt a little out of reach, a little less mine, a little more someone else's. It felt like I was floating above myself watching everything happen. I was having a conversation with my own mother and it felt like I was getting to know this person I haven't been in years. I felt like the unwelcome prodigal son. Everyone commented on how much I've changed (since January?) and how strange I look. My grandmother dislikes my hair, my big rings, my appearance basically. My mother was total opposite, with her first words being, "Sup-- OMG JUST KIDDING, YOU LOOK LIKE A DIVA!" O_O

Well, yeah. Those were the two things I needed to hear upon entering my home for the first time in months. But I felt it too. I saw the changes in people. My mom is so thin now it's a little frightening. Not unhealthy thin, but my whole life she's been big. And now she's like an actually skinny person. My grandmother is a lot more judgmental than she is on the phone or through texts. Obviously. My grandfather is thankfully the exact same. He is so warm and probably the best grandfather I could ever ask for. I think he's the only one holding me in this house right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and my gramma. A whole lot. But I am an adult now. I feel it. That... thing. That thing that birds feel. That thing that Nelly Furtado felt when she wrote that song "I'm like a bird". That thing that those guys did in the band with the Raybans and the white suits. That thing that kept Alexander Supertramp going. That thing that apparently college is supposed to implant in us. Well, guess what.

I've got the thing. I want independence. I want a job. I want a life of my own. I want to drive wherever my heart desires. I want a man. I want to deal with tough situations. I want to have insurance. I want have the ability to control the temperature on my air conditioner. I want a washer and dryer.

I want to pay rent.

I am twenty years old now as of three days ago. I am both displaced and settled. And I don't know how this can be.

Anger Management Training.

I am quite upset with myself. Lately, I have come to the realization, slowly but surely, that I am turning into Andy Bernard. 

Now, one might argue that I am far too cool and level headed and am rarely a "Yes Man", because, technically, and mainly, I am not a man. Nor have I ever been. But all signs point to this conclusion looking at it from a scientific perspective. 

First of all, I have never seen Angela naked. Neither has Andy. 

Secondly, I sing in a choir. And at times, I am quite proud of that fact. I have also been known to sing rather loudly and in public, usually disturbing some quiet work place while I continue my harmonization attempts blissfully unaware. Also, I made my own ringtone on iTunes and sometimes I let it play just for people to hear how cool it is...

Thirdly, I caught myself saying "I'm going to punch a wall" today and it was NOT the first time. Honestly, I have felt like sawing off Phyllis's head with a chainsaw before. "Rreeenggeeengengeng."

Fourthly, I change the words of songs to make them say what I want them to say. 

Example:

Andy- "Oompa, Loompa, Doompity, Dawsome.." 

Me- " Let's get down to business...to defeat... NEWTON."

Fifthly (can I really continue with this -ly business?), I am a huge fan of Tuna. 

And last, but not least, (sixthly) I look things up on the "inter-web" all the time.

ALL SIGNS POINT TO ANDREW BERNARD.

And, even though I personally do not like the guy, I cannot seem to escape my fate. However, there are much bigger issues at hand. I am upset with myself, but what if I take it out on someone. Maybe I am also a little like Roy (God forbid) and what if I attack some pedestrians or a 7-Eleven clerk? Should I go to (Anger) Management training? What was it again--Personality Mirroring and Positive Reinforcement? Lord, why am I am the way I...am.

Here is the real nitty gritty. I am trying to stay up with my New Year's goals, and I have hardly begun to get into any of them! Plans are set in motion, but I'm just sitting here! Look how much of the new year is gone already.... TWELVE DAYS. I've got to get going, get up, ACT UP, ACTUAL REALITY, FIGHT--wait. Sorry. I've got rant on the brain. RENT. I MEAN RENT.

WHAT AM I DOOOOING WITH MY LIFE!

(Yes, I am over-reacting, but----HOLY CRAP. "That was an OVER-reaction. Anyone want anything from the kitchen?"-GUESS WHO.)

I know that we are butterflies.

You probably have no idea how inspiring this photo is to me. So, I'll just tell you.

This photo entitled "My Pet Giraffe" was taken by Kim Smith. I saw a picture of her on Flickr not too long ago holding up an issue of JPG magazine with this photo published in it. I had been looking at her photos for about an hour before that and couldn't believe that she had been published! I felt like I knew her and had just been told right then and there that her photo had been published in a widely-known magazine. Suddenly, I was so excited for her! And since then, I have been determined to work harder and get my photography published in the near future. And JPG magazine is one of the resources that can help make that happen. 

So every time I look at this amazing picture, I am reminded that I can do it. I can do what I love doing and be good at it. I can succeed if I just want it bad enough and try. I can break out of all these layers of insecurity and see my potential. I owe all I am and all I do and will ever do to God. Without You, I am nothing.

Also, a few side notes. The song "Cathedrals" = by Joan Osborne = covered by Jump Little Children = both good takes on the song = go LISTEN. 

The Fog.

"My car, my rules." - Meredith from the Office (on the episode "Women's Appreciation" that I am watching. Right. Now.)

Here is my recollection of my journey home last night (It's going to get weird.) :

Last night, I experienced a car ride the likes of which I could never have imagined even whilst sitting on the wildest dream cloud. Steppanie (what I called her during our trial run of the Office board game), Courtney (what the guys at the strip club call her), and Lucy the Puppy (what the "Others" from LOST call her) accompanied me on this car ride. No one could have possibly forseen the occurrences just as much as anyone could have prevented them. The sky was darkened and the night pungent with mischievousness and scandalocity. The air was clouded by the fog of the inland empire's lonely waitresses and ladies of the night dangerous and habit-forming deeds. The steam from the engines of trains blurred our vision as we entered the realm of the freeway spirits. All of us were so drunk with the perfumes of Riverside's night life, we did not notice an addition to our company. A fifth passenger was amongst us in the car, the most powerful of all things. Comedy.

Something happened, I can't remember exactly when. But suddenly, a strange warmth came over all of us, moisture collected on the windows' glassy surfaces and we fell into the deep pool of hilarity and ardent jesting. Once the fever sets in, there's nothing that can be done, but to attempt to stay alive until we have reached the other side... of the freeway. Almost at once, I began to choke on the sweet sting of St. Laughter's marmalade dancing down my throat. Hallucinations began before we could control ourselves and the ghost of Christmas Never joined our party in the form of the reincarnate President Ellis. Upon dismounting his staircase of despair, his native tongue got the best of him as we attempted to persuade him to leave our midst. But no incantation could relieve us of applauding him until he was finished with metaphorically boiling our blood. 

After a severe horror shock, the car ride was interrupted by the morally and literally blinded men on the roads out to kill the wild youth. Corruption corrupted the courtesies of couriers and we parted ways. I walked the best of nine steps, we hollered our goodbye's once again, and separately fled into the night. Even fear of not being able to enter my own abode overcame me as I gently trod towards the hearth. Another inhabitant of my home banished my fear even with her vagueness and allowed me to come inside upon bidding me "You got it!" via messaging using text that seemed quite instant, to say the half of it.

A unique night, I must admit. To be truthful, I doubt a night much like this one is not too far off from happening again. My molecules can taste it in the blustery night winds.