Apologies.

I have been masterfully neglecting this blog here, and I take no pride in that whatsoever.

Just so we're all clear.

Last night, my choir and I had our second performance of the school year and a rather un-air-conditioned but kind and loving church. The audience was amazing, let me tell ya. And I hear they really only get better from this point on (seeing as WE only get better, too.) I absolutely despise preparing for a concert, but in the middle of one, I would like to be nowhere else that on the stage singing alongside all the bedazzled ladies in red and heels. Somehow, we are able to minister to each church in a way we didn't even see coming. And they minister to us by making the crazy-good food that they do so we can revive ourselves after a concert. We... would probably die. Or something close to it. 

Also, last night I shared with the world my feelings of the movie Eagle Eye: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOO AMAZING, I CAN'T EVEN LIKE BEGIN TO TELL YOU LIKE HOW I FREAKING FEEEEEEEEL SHIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA MAKES ME WANNA DANCE AND THE WHOLE JUST THING ITS LIKE JESUS AND CUPCAKES AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN THE WHOLE IN A TWO HOUR MOVIE, I COULD MAYBE DIE HAPPY FROM THIS POINT ON. OKAY, THATS FALSE, BUT I JUST AHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WWWOOW.

yep. I feel a lot of things, as you can see. After seeing the movie with Marybeth and some of her friends, I dubbed this movie as the best movie I had ever seen ("Which is saying a lot."- Liz) and I still stand by that (until shia makes a better movie, perhaps. But even then, I told Timmy that my face would melt completely off if there was a ever a movie better than this one. Hopefully I will be strong enough...) So last night, when we were eating after the concert, I told Liz about how great it was, and we decided to go see it.  She could tell how excited I was, and started freaking out because I rarely get that excited about... anything. Hahaha

And well, next thing you know, the credits are rolling and Liz is standing in her seat looking around for anyone, ANYONE who feels the same way she did about it (shock, awe, wonder, amazement, all things) and she found none! Everyone was just like "Blehh, let's get Arby's." Well, they missed out on the intensity in ten cities. I assure you, its... amazing. 

AND. What are the odds that I would see the best movie and read the best book ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT. Yeah.. I don't know either. But they are some crazy odds. Here is the best book. It looks childish.. because its a children's book. Hahaha but really, you won't know until you know.

Oh, What is Man.

That you are mindful of him, Oh God.

Well, it's like this. Once you're in choir, there really is no point in attempting to get any other song but a choir song stuck in your head. I am currently editing a music video for my youtube account that me and my roommates made, so I'm lucky enough at the moment to have that one stuck in my head for the time being. But tomorrow, I will no doubt wake up singing "Eeeevery time I feeel the spirit moooving in my heart, I will praaaayy..."

Not that that's a bad thing. Probably the best way to start a day. Much better than hearing a man's voice narrate your life...THAT was a weird morning. "And then she realized that 9:44 was the perfect time to get up. And up she got." Hmm, probably best not to really get into that.

I. WANT. TO. TAKE. PICTURES. I need a new lens. Why haven't I purchased one yet? I spend my money on many other superfluous items when I get in my materialistic moods (yes, unacceptable indeed), but not a lens, a beautiful Canon-crafted lens with which to capture moment after moment of my life. A rather lovely life, if I do say so myself. I enjoy it and I want to remember it, incase my life becomes exceedingly dull from any given point on. I talked to quite a few people I know that are photography masters/beasts/machines around here at CBU and they've guided me towards multiple options of purchasing the lens I need, now I just need some money...

Also, I have to be honest. When people follow me on Twitter, I feel kind of special. Like random people actually want to know what I do with my day. Hmmph. However, I do NOT feel special when I am unable to tweet from my phone. I just don't understand. There simple steps to be able to do this, why doesn't it work for me? So every time I tell twitter what I'm up to, it has to be me sitting at my desk AT my computer, for pete's sake. Sweet baby james. 

Here's another thing. I haven't been sick in the LONGEST TIME! Okay, not that I want to be sick, but I've forgotten how it's felt and...that's strange to me. Maybe I am a little off at this time of the morning and wish to really be sick in the near future, I kind of..... MISS it. Wow, I really need some sleep. 

I leave you with this--- God is very faithful and just. Two of the countless ways He is the greatest of all greats, to say the very most incomplete least. He proves Himself to be everything He says He is every morning I open my eyes yet again. Maybe that's why I wake up singing.

Me In The Present.

Actually the past.

Here is me right now, more bored than. wood. 

And I tend to look pretty unkempt when I am this bored. Apologies.

THIS is what I do when I have nothing to entertain me but myself.

Story of my childhood.

It's All In Your Head.

I think I have had that title before.

If not, it looks oddly familiar then for no reason.

So today was a very good day indeed! 

Starting at the very first moment of the day, meaning somewhere around midnight last night (I stop looking at the clock at some point in time and then look again when it starts to get lighter in my room..) 

I was talking to my good friend Nora on iChat, then the phone, and next thing you know! I am a part of this weird, twisted, and very hilarious phone conversation. Not necessarily a conversation. More like a pointless secret three-way phone argument. It was so genius and I felt at least 13 again. The 13 year old version of me anyway, I wasn't as advanced as most middle schoolers are these days. Thank you Jesus. 

But this "girl" who Nora and I were kind of... sort...of.. lying to? And plotting against like bigger versions of Pinky and the Brain (Her being the Brain since my comments about how to pronounce Ukulele right and hairspray landed me at almost below Pinky level, even.) was first Nora's friend, and then was supposed to be mine. An easy going girl, you'd think, would be on the other line waiting for me to make her laugh and next thing you knew we would be messaging back and forth on myspace talking about deep things and which bear IS really best. No definitely not. I was simply me with a little bit of tired thrown in and she did not like it.

Nora fought with this girl, this Alaskan she-devil, if you will, mercilessly (about me, saying she needed to stop being so mean to me because I had done nothing, NOTHING, wrong! and the meanness was getting the point of being very annoying and incredibly stupid) until Nora had the idea to three-way whilst I sat there, on the other line, listening, secretly muted and undercover. Yes, I sat there and heard Nora talk to this Death Eater-like overly-giggley girl about me saying that I deserved another chance because what was happening was mind-bottlingly stupid. Me. I did. Sometimes I would let out a little giggle and then jerk my hand up to my mouth in horror that she heard me, but she couldn't! Oh the technological advances of our time..

Now, I can't say I feel bad for all this. The girl misunderstood me weeks ago in our very first random three-way conversation on the phone which I barely agreed to no thanks to my lack of sleep and then sudden need for an impulsive action. I was apparently too sarcastic with her, thinking the girl, being seventeen years old (supposedly) could handle it. I thought we were on the same page, as most people that I have come across thus far in life have been. So very wrong was I.

Apparently this girl took everything to heart, everything, which is a very bad thing, and ended up calling me about every bad name in "the book" and hoped that I died. DEATH. DEAD BROOKLYN. HAPPY ALASKAN SATAN. Okay, sorry. 

Speaking of sorry, I was! I told Nora exactly that only after I had lots of time to get over it and realizes it would probably be very good and/or amusing to give it another shot with this girl. Nora obviously somehow found friendship in her and I thought maybe I could too, at least while the girl wasn't under the influence of anything. Not naming names... Wow, I could really go for a diet COKE right now. Hmm...

But, in the end, all the girl did was make fun of me more, even after I had explained everything to Nora over the phone with a little really bad acting and weird analogies to explain the misunderstanding, WHILE SHE LISTENED. Like I had. Secretly. It was all so fake and still, what can ya do? It was the appropriate measures that needed to be taken to get any say in with this, this GIRL. She's obviously a life ruiner. She ruins lives. And so therefore, with no further apologies or hatred for that matter (even though there has definitely never been any), I declare that I am over and it do not wish for so hurtful a person to be in my life ever ever, cough, ever. In the worlds of the slut demon, "I have better things to do, like go to the bathroom."

Hmm, I wonder if she reads this. Just incase, Hi Caty. 

Don't want to be rude.

Well after this whole curious drama occurred that left me on a high feeling quite like a mischievous child again (am I THAT boring? Eff.), I got a phone call from my friend Courtney Marie Watson. I love that girl. No really. Heidi Klum could do nothing in her foreign pregnant powers to separate us. YOU ARE AOUT. Wow, I didn't even mean to put the 'a' there that time. I just happened. (TTWS)

Anyway, the conversation had to end in my attempting at giving back a little bit of the great advice she has always given me. I tried, but probably failed in doing so with a shaky voice from walking around in a very hot living room and trying to get it all out as my brain thought of it without pausing for a breath. I think I even quoted movies and tried to imagine what a therapist would say. But then I just admitted to her that I knew she actually just wanted to have someone vent with her rather than have a couch session, heart-to-heart, "let's figure out what is wrong with you", finding-your-inner-self type of thing. Sorry, thats just way to Everly Clode for me.

Is there even an appropriate end to inside jokes? Please, someone tell me.

Then, following this, sometime around 5:30, I went to sleep. Only to have strange, yet very normal dreams-turned-nightmares until I awoke with sigh-type yawn into the screen of my phone which I was holding way too close to my face (even though it was about noon) and seeing a couple unread texts. Then the phones rings. 

"Hello Alisha!"

"Do you wanna go to San Diego?"

*very loudly laughter* "What??"

"I just wanna get outta here..."

*mumbling* "You mean like.. right now right now or like later like.. not now.. but today.." 

"Like in an hour?"

So then I tell her that I need to consult my money-giver, my grandmother (since I am currently unemployed and STILL A KID OKAY, DON'T GUILT TRIP ME.) and that I would get back to her as soon as my gramma got back from the post office/rite aid/wherever the heck she was.

Then I hung up with her and called my good buddy Ben. I think because he called me in the first place but I was still very very sleepy and only remember suddenly laughing at him a lot on the phone for no real reason: he bought a backpack that he thought was funny because it says "EF" on it, but then I has to sadly inform him that "EF" was for EF Tours, which two of my best friends have been on and another is on right now; he bought me a scarf; he bought himself a SILVER vest and at some point almost exploded upon discovering that it was reversible; him pretending to talk like a girl; him yelling at a fake nephew(?); me saying we could never have kids because when he would raise his voice while punishing them, I would start to laugh uncontrollably lowering the intensity of the moment; a lot of really weird things we always end up talking about. e.g. "DAAAAALLLEEE!!"

THEN! Alisha shows up at my front door and I still don't know if I can go yet! How the time passes by. So I get off the phone with Ben, and hurry to the front door to let Alisha in to see the shock on her face to see that I am in my "Wagner and CO" sweater and happy halloween shorts. :|

So I hurriedly get ready and BAM! We are off to San Diego at a surprisingly late hour of the day (3:30?) But San Diego was good to us. We had money and the curse didn't get us this time. Curse: You have money and can't find ANYTHING to buy. It can also happen to the average bystander, but instead you have no money and see more than enough things to make you materially depressed by the end of the day and a friend has to buy you Coldstone to make you feel better. Not that... that's... happened to me.. or anything. Uh.

And we have a wonderful day and enjoy weather that doesn't melt the flesh off your face or scream when you accidently sit on the seatbelt! However, I am very aware now that parking garage air is in fact NOT AIR. DO NOT BREATHE IT. I think I almost died in attemps to shut my lungs off walking back to the car. Hot milk. 

Wow, I haven't said that in a long time. And you know, its all thanks to a little someone who STOLE IT FROM ME! LAUREN TUCKER! And then made all of her friends start saying it and then like half the freaking school! Then everytime I heard it, I had this sudden gag-reflex. Its like hearing someone quote quagmire from Family Guy---"Giggety Giggety!" If you know me, you probably know I hate that!

Good.

And so now, hours later with lots of new clothes and a little mac makeup, I am sleepy and happy. Probably because I had some Nilla Wafers and those bad boys know how to brighten a day! Even if it is 4 in the morning when you eat them...

And now, I am off to sleep. I have a very important photoshoot scheduled for today and I don't need bloodshot eyes and an unfocused brain! Maybe too late, but that is a risk I am willing to take. 

More news tomorrow! Later today? Sunday? I need sleep.

What Do Ya Say?

Let's leave! Let's get right outta here. I'm so ready for that. Anywhere, take me there, please.

Also: Please read Sellevision by Augusten Burroughs. It will totally change your perspective on home shopping networks. And through that, a variety of other things. And we all know something out perspectives need a little fine tuning (however, mine have never been so finely tuned..)

That is all for now, My brain motor is tired of running.

Oh, Lost.

This is a draft I never finished but think I should still let out, share it with the world.

Sorry I never got around to talking about the things I wanted to talk about. hahaha

still. its.. something? Right?

"You know, there is FAR too much to talk about.

I mean, really. I hardly know how to cover it all. But I will, one by one, I will update. I need this more than anyone else does. Here what I plan on covering tonight:

Summer school, Finals, art show, Twilight!, breaking dawn premiere, New York..., lost, cleaning house, Apples, nora, bdsw, vintage clothes, no T.V., why i lose things, iMixes, fingernails, mixtapes, books, whatever else pops into my head. (but not in that order.)

Okay so seriously. I am a little sad that summer school is over. Its never because of the school part, the homework, the tests. No thank you. But having that watercolors class was really fun! I like people, I like being around them, knowing them, no matter what kind of person they are. And even though the watercolors/oil painting class crowd was different that my usual, I still really liked being around them. Especially in the last few classes, we all got so close! It always happens that way. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN THAT WAYYY!!! It does. You know it.

And I'm a little flustered about my finals, they were pretty dang hard. I know I got a C on my geology final, which.. is NOT what I thought I would get. I knew like every question on there but.. that just goes to show just how much I think I know. 

The art show was really good, we all had so much fun just hanging out waiting for people to get there. For the first few hours, hardly anyone came at all. We all just sat around eating pizza and drinking soda and taking pictures and sharing music, and then BAM! A sudden influx of people around 4 just shocked us all and the room was full before we could say, "hey nice wash!" (watercolor class joke. weird that I even have one of those.) Marybeth and her Momma came to see everything we've all been working on these long six weeks of summer and Claire's parents stopped by too. I went up to my sketches and pushed the corner back onto the tape on the matting and a man behind me gasped in horror and said, "I HOPE that is your piece!" I just walked away not realizing what just happened and then almost died laughing on the other side of the wall. I was so tempted to walk back in there and touch the crap out of it, but I didn't. Regrets.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

I LOVE STEPHENIE MEYERS. I love twilight, new moon, eclipse. I love edward, bella, jacob, alice, charlie, jasper, every one of them. I cannot believe that I have lasted this far in waiting for the next book to come out. Breaking dawn. Only one more week from today, and I will have it in my hands! I'm not reading it right away, I am waiting until Courtney gets back from Europe to do so. I told her I would since she has to wait too, and SHE is the reason I am reading this right now. And alisha's reason, marybeth's reason, courtney gruba's reason, goodness gracious! So I will wait because I said I would! I am hopefully going to the premiere in palm desert, thats the plan. Although I don't know who I am going with yet, I am GOING! 

I think these books are unbelievably good. Not like the best books of all time, I have read many an amazing book. But they are well written and its not hard for them to get into your head. I also don't think they are for everyone, for some it is hard to read about vampires. I mean, right off the bat people tend to shy away from that word. But its not like that at all. I do think everyone should give them a try, just to see what I am talking about. Its not about vampires, werewolves, no. Its about a boy named Edward and a girl named Bella. Read them. Unless you're too scared... !!

So right now, I could be in New York City. Yep. With Courtney and Steffanie, sleeping maybe not so soundly because of all the excitement pulsing through me. But I am not. I couldn't afford it after all thanks to summer school not allowing me to get a job and my grandparents not being able to loan me money thanks to my uncle and mother who can't seem to ever grow the eff up. (Can I just say right now that my mother owes me big time? Not just for this, but this is the cherry on top of it all.) So instead, I woke up late and felt guilty about it. This being because when I asked my grandmother for the money, we ended up getting into an argument about what I do during the day--- well long story short, it ended up me trying to reason with her that what she was saying was nonsensical, but in the end still felt quite guilty."

...and thats all for now. Maybe I will eventually get around to telling you all about it..all.

Words Cannot Describe.

Well, what I am about to show you is somewhat ridiculous and the result of a conversation between Nora and I, yet again. This happened a few weeks ago, and for some reason, I haven't posted it until now. We were just talking nonsense, but couldn't seem to stop! So here it is, maybe it will make you giggle or inspire you in some strange unforeseen way. Sorry it's underlined too, I couldn't get it to go away.

whattdotheyknow: I think

whattdotheyknow: that if I were to climb up the mountain right outside,

whattdotheyknow: and scream every beautiful word,

whattdotheyknow: they would all fly to you,

whattdotheyknow: and settle into bed with you.

whattdotheyknow: because small things,

whattdotheyknow: little ones that your amazing self does,

whattdotheyknow: they grab my shoulders, spin, and stop. and they say "most people wouldn't dare."

lightsandtrees: i'm not really even sure what to say next. thats like an ending. you know? why should anyone add anything else. that made my ears hot.

lightsandtrees: hahah i wish i had a mountain to climb, i would have my hiking boots on right now. and i would just hope that all the beautiful words would come out right.

lightsandtrees: and maybe the words would collide in the air and split the sky.

lightsandtrees: and maybe they wouldnt. but we could try.

whattdotheyknow: and what would people think, passing by?

lightsandtrees: their eyes might start to burn, but it feels good to cry.

whattdotheyknow: we'll tell them, Brooklyn. why do we have to be shy?

lightsandtrees: well, clear out your lungs nora, tonight's the night and we'll never know why.

whattdotheyknow: Unimaginable. fear of the sparks in the wind replaced the good, and now they're not afraid to die.

lightsandtrees: lets make something of each other, forget the judgemental eye. raise a fist, look loose, straighten your tie. (why are you wearing a tie?)

whattdotheyknow: Brooklyn! Bury yourself! Don't shorten your supply. Love is all you need, as do I.

lightsandtrees: we're all high, a city in the sky, buried in the middle of everyones lost guys, in a pile of minced meat pies, taken from the sellers of expensive lies, we can just try, the harder to love the more worth it is to die.

lightsandtrees: lets stop, lets slow down.. that took a lot out of me. oh my.

whattdotheyknow: Dirty men in the bar on mondays, flexing evil eyes and drinking eau de vie. The dishtowel? Ah, it's semidry, but DUCK! Look out for the spanish fly. I can tell you're a spy, you're on the sly and in junior high you talked of william bligh and world war one. sickening, and real. feel it? feel it? quiet now! don't awaken the dead.

whattdotheyknow: love love love love its all i feel.

lightsandtrees: i feel it too.

lightsandtrees: people make me say it, that forlorn battlecry. people are afraid of that four letter word, they deny deny deny.

lightsandtrees: WE ARE FREE, NORA! FREE TO FLY. never ahead, never behind, just a rushing breeze in our cigarette eyes. we can feel and see and do, its what all the proverbs imply, can they just SAY IT. WHY. make a note, a tone, a buzz in my ear, feel it in my brain, coursing through my veins, it cant be a lie, its no margarine spread on my rye, its complete with hook and anchor, dragging us down to die. Right where we want to be.

whattdotheyknow: Your miraculous fingers change my mind. Mind to body, limb to ground, kick the stones without a sound. Skipping, losing, but winning it all. The peaceful things we make aren't our downfall.

whattdotheyknow: I love you, I love you, and I'll say it again. I love you, and don't stress on the bits and pieces of your violin.

whattdotheyknow: An end note, please? Before I fall over.

lightsandtrees: nora, i want to make you a house made of clover. I will build it stretching across our two mountains with the longest hallway, and four fountains. Everyone will see and wonder, what love has creates the most beautiful house where nothing bad happens and, with singing, there is never an end.

Still...

Even despite what I said before, unrequited love is so painful.

Especially when love is returned all around you, just not to you.

Its like being the only kid in the whole orphanage to not get adopted.

Do You Really Want To Live Forever?

Lately, I've bombarded with the fact that I have not found that someone. I haven't dated, I haven't been "heartbroken", I haven't fallen IN LOVE.

WHAT?

Well, I apologize if everyone is disappointed. I will try to put myself out there more, maybe lower my standards and date a guy who I don't even think is attractive or anyone I could spend the rest of my life with to make YOU HAPPY. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know what I'm NOT looking for. But apparently this doesn't matter because it would be a tragedy to have to die alone. Right? Well, here is a new flash. I'm NOT ALONE. Nor will I ever be alone even if there isn't a guy in my life. Lord knows I want to find love, I want to feel it, I want to get married, I want to pour into someone's life in that way, sure! But it is not my duty as a human being, as a girl more specifically, to be "out there", to be effing flirting all the time. I talk to guys, I hang out with them, I don't live in a cave! I shower, I'm feminine, I know when to hold my tongue. I don't curse, I don't smoke, I don't drink. I can be loud, I can be quiet, I can be soft, I can be abrasive. I do what I do, and I'm fine with it. If no guys find that attractive, if no males out there in the world see me as someone fit to have a relationship with/spend their lives with, then so be it. I cannot spend every waking minute thinking of this, I will just take a note from Jane Austen. I will dream, I will write, I may die without a man, but I will still go out being me. And definitely not without love.

We Must Deceive Them,

"...so as not to hurt them. And in that way...we honor them."

-Dwight K. Schrute.

I actually didn't intend to post starting with that quote. But that quote makes me happy, and why not start things out happily. It makes me happy for a number of reasons, all of which I am grateful for at the moment, considering I just watched Big Fish and cried a great deal at the end. I actually forgot every single thing that happened in the movie, up until pressing play, except for a field of buttercups. I could see Ewan Mcgregor standing there, in my clouded memory, amidst thousands and that was enough for me to know I loved it and should buy it.

So I did and I cried. Its just so wonderfully written. I wish I could have written Big Fish, actually. I feel like I am Big Fish..

(WATCH IT. So I don't feel like a foo' for sayin that. Hahha)

Well, today was an all around very sad day. A blues day. Too bad I'm not really that fond of blues music. Its so close to country....I just. Cant. Maybe if I had that blues song from the Beatles, I'd be okay. Haha.

And now I feel really alone for some reason. Even though I am alone most of the hours in the day, especially the "wee hours" (there they are again.)  But I guess I just feel especially alone, then. I wish I had more family here at home. I mean, laughter, cooking, singing, running.. I like that idea of a big house. I hope I get to have one someday.