Anger Management Training.

I am quite upset with myself. Lately, I have come to the realization, slowly but surely, that I am turning into Andy Bernard. 

Now, one might argue that I am far too cool and level headed and am rarely a "Yes Man", because, technically, and mainly, I am not a man. Nor have I ever been. But all signs point to this conclusion looking at it from a scientific perspective. 

First of all, I have never seen Angela naked. Neither has Andy. 

Secondly, I sing in a choir. And at times, I am quite proud of that fact. I have also been known to sing rather loudly and in public, usually disturbing some quiet work place while I continue my harmonization attempts blissfully unaware. Also, I made my own ringtone on iTunes and sometimes I let it play just for people to hear how cool it is...

Thirdly, I caught myself saying "I'm going to punch a wall" today and it was NOT the first time. Honestly, I have felt like sawing off Phyllis's head with a chainsaw before. "Rreeenggeeengengeng."

Fourthly, I change the words of songs to make them say what I want them to say. 

Example:

Andy- "Oompa, Loompa, Doompity, Dawsome.." 

Me- " Let's get down to business...to defeat... NEWTON."

Fifthly (can I really continue with this -ly business?), I am a huge fan of Tuna. 

And last, but not least, (sixthly) I look things up on the "inter-web" all the time.

ALL SIGNS POINT TO ANDREW BERNARD.

And, even though I personally do not like the guy, I cannot seem to escape my fate. However, there are much bigger issues at hand. I am upset with myself, but what if I take it out on someone. Maybe I am also a little like Roy (God forbid) and what if I attack some pedestrians or a 7-Eleven clerk? Should I go to (Anger) Management training? What was it again--Personality Mirroring and Positive Reinforcement? Lord, why am I am the way I...am.

Here is the real nitty gritty. I am trying to stay up with my New Year's goals, and I have hardly begun to get into any of them! Plans are set in motion, but I'm just sitting here! Look how much of the new year is gone already.... TWELVE DAYS. I've got to get going, get up, ACT UP, ACTUAL REALITY, FIGHT--wait. Sorry. I've got rant on the brain. RENT. I MEAN RENT.

WHAT AM I DOOOOING WITH MY LIFE!

(Yes, I am over-reacting, but----HOLY CRAP. "That was an OVER-reaction. Anyone want anything from the kitchen?"-GUESS WHO.)

I know that we are butterflies.

You probably have no idea how inspiring this photo is to me. So, I'll just tell you.

This photo entitled "My Pet Giraffe" was taken by Kim Smith. I saw a picture of her on Flickr not too long ago holding up an issue of JPG magazine with this photo published in it. I had been looking at her photos for about an hour before that and couldn't believe that she had been published! I felt like I knew her and had just been told right then and there that her photo had been published in a widely-known magazine. Suddenly, I was so excited for her! And since then, I have been determined to work harder and get my photography published in the near future. And JPG magazine is one of the resources that can help make that happen. 

So every time I look at this amazing picture, I am reminded that I can do it. I can do what I love doing and be good at it. I can succeed if I just want it bad enough and try. I can break out of all these layers of insecurity and see my potential. I owe all I am and all I do and will ever do to God. Without You, I am nothing.

Also, a few side notes. The song "Cathedrals" = by Joan Osborne = covered by Jump Little Children = both good takes on the song = go LISTEN. 

The Fog.

"My car, my rules." - Meredith from the Office (on the episode "Women's Appreciation" that I am watching. Right. Now.)

Here is my recollection of my journey home last night (It's going to get weird.) :

Last night, I experienced a car ride the likes of which I could never have imagined even whilst sitting on the wildest dream cloud. Steppanie (what I called her during our trial run of the Office board game), Courtney (what the guys at the strip club call her), and Lucy the Puppy (what the "Others" from LOST call her) accompanied me on this car ride. No one could have possibly forseen the occurrences just as much as anyone could have prevented them. The sky was darkened and the night pungent with mischievousness and scandalocity. The air was clouded by the fog of the inland empire's lonely waitresses and ladies of the night dangerous and habit-forming deeds. The steam from the engines of trains blurred our vision as we entered the realm of the freeway spirits. All of us were so drunk with the perfumes of Riverside's night life, we did not notice an addition to our company. A fifth passenger was amongst us in the car, the most powerful of all things. Comedy.

Something happened, I can't remember exactly when. But suddenly, a strange warmth came over all of us, moisture collected on the windows' glassy surfaces and we fell into the deep pool of hilarity and ardent jesting. Once the fever sets in, there's nothing that can be done, but to attempt to stay alive until we have reached the other side... of the freeway. Almost at once, I began to choke on the sweet sting of St. Laughter's marmalade dancing down my throat. Hallucinations began before we could control ourselves and the ghost of Christmas Never joined our party in the form of the reincarnate President Ellis. Upon dismounting his staircase of despair, his native tongue got the best of him as we attempted to persuade him to leave our midst. But no incantation could relieve us of applauding him until he was finished with metaphorically boiling our blood. 

After a severe horror shock, the car ride was interrupted by the morally and literally blinded men on the roads out to kill the wild youth. Corruption corrupted the courtesies of couriers and we parted ways. I walked the best of nine steps, we hollered our goodbye's once again, and separately fled into the night. Even fear of not being able to enter my own abode overcame me as I gently trod towards the hearth. Another inhabitant of my home banished my fear even with her vagueness and allowed me to come inside upon bidding me "You got it!" via messaging using text that seemed quite instant, to say the half of it.

A unique night, I must admit. To be truthful, I doubt a night much like this one is not too far off from happening again. My molecules can taste it in the blustery night winds. 

Two Thousand Nine

There are quite a number of things I wish to state as my new year's resolutions and straight up goals for the coming year. I have a lot of them.

1. read 50 books. 

2. lose weight (who doesn't.)

3. read a wikipedia entry or encyclopedia entry every day to learn something new

4. read a new work in the dictionary everyday

5. continue learning how to play the piano

6. make good grades

7. get photography published

8. illustrate a children's book

9. make a penpal

10. get a tattoo

11. driver's license

12. get a sweet job

13. do NOT cut hair

14. write a novel

This is all I can think of for now, but I have a lot of pondering ahead of me in the endless hours of nothingness over Christmas break. I can't wait. :D

AW hELLSZ NAh.

Dear Finals Week, 

We've known each other a while now, yes? I realize this, and yet you still never cease to amaze. And by amaze, I mean make me want to jump off a series of cliffs into jagged rocks in a shallow shark infest cesspool. I literally hate you. 

I know, I know, I'm irrational. I'm acting on impulse, in the heat of the moment, right in the middle of all you give me. 

But while seriously, again. I hate you. I hate you with every little atom in my body. I hate you to the core of the earth and back ninety six trillion times. I hate you like a whole city made of junior mints and mushrooms. I hate you more than an eternity of hearing Quagmire saying "Giggety Giggety" at a very loud volume. I hate you the way I hate Gruntilda, the witch, and her cackle who appears when you try to end Banjo Tooie. I pure, straight hate you. And unlike Mr. Mantooth to Ron Burgandy, I do NOT respect you. 

I kind of actually have to respect you, or I won't pass any classes. But literally, I feel like you will be the death of me. I rejoice and long for the day I will never ever ever EVER EVER EVER have to experience you again. I will write you off to the next pour soul who must endure you and I will fight until you are abolished from this planet or at least Cal Baptist.

No, no. Our journey isn't over, finals week. It is far from over. I will conquer you and make you wish you had never been set to test this student at her wit's end. You have not seen the last of me. Not until I have seen the last of you.

After tomorrow, it is goodbye for now. Better rest up before the end of next semester. Have a nice Christmas break. 

Sincerely,

Student # 292098

I'll Hold Your Hands

Today, I gave my presentation in English class concerning my final research paper. I wanted to jump off a cliff, I was so nervous to actually present it. 

Here is why. I really have yet to finish it. But somehow, I got away with actually presenting something that technically doesn't exist yet. Completely. 

So, yeah. I lied, really. But it felt so so good. To be DONE!

And, to be honest, I was about to lie again. I was going to say that because I presented today on my research topic of Fear-Mongering and the history of propaganda, it got me to thinking about fear and what we fear and what makes us scared or sad. (I say this because, actually, if you think about it, what makes you sad, also you maybe could be kind of afraid of, incredible intense sadness. I don't know anyone who could say they were not afraid of having to experience that, ey.)

But, in all actuality, I just thought of one sad thing tonight while talking to Nora, and then eventually a whole list formed right here in my moleskine.

And here it is. Sad things, part one:

- the word "soon."

- when you find a really good song that is made of the wrong season (e.g. a summery song like "Breeze" by Apollo Sunshine found in the dead of winter.)

- damaged bird feathers just lying on the ground.

- dying flowers (depends on why they are dying, too. or who or what they came from)

- what people in China do to dogs.

- car accidents (never ever happy. ever.)

- having lovely handwriting at most inopportune moments (like right before you go to bed) and knowing that before you can say "caligraphy" your handwriting will be back to its normal boring self.

- listening to music for a long and then turing it off.

- the end of the movie Big Fish

- when you walk into someone else's home and the residents there are fighting and yelling at one another. And you can hear it. And almost feel it.

Can I Do It Again?

Can I make another Christmas playlist? 

Is this allowed?

I'm doing it anyway.

WARNING: There will probably be repeats. This is a revision!

1. All Is Well by Point of Grace

2. Peace Is Here by Jars of Clay

3. Twelve Days Of Christmas by The Andrews Sisters and Bing Crosby

4. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing by Sufjan Stevens

5. Silent Night by Priscilla Ahn

6. Born To Die by Bebo Norman

7. Frosty the Snowman by Fiona Apple

8. My Only Wish (This Year) by Britney Spears

9. A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi Trio

10. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Death Cab 

11. Believe by Josh Groban

12. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas by Bing Crosby

13. Sing by Josh Wilson

14. O Holy Night by Celine Dion

15. Christmas In Dixie by Alabama

16. There Is No Christmas Like A Home Christmas by Perry Como and The Ray Charles Singers

17. I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm by Billie Holiday

18. Christmas/ Sarajevo 12/24 by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

19. God Rest Ya Merry Gentlemen by Decemberadio

20. The Christmas Song by Aimee Mann

21.  Winter Wonderland by Tony Bennett

22. Christmas Island by (I have no idea, its from the Elf Soundtrack)

23. Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys

24. The Chipmunk Song by Alvin and the Chipmunks

25. O Come, O Come, Emmanuel by Enya

26. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland

27. Holly Jolly Christmas by The Format

28. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

29. Carol of the Bells by Thrice

30. Mistletoe and Holly by Frank Sinatra

31. Winter Song by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

32. D0You Hear What I Hear? by Copeland

33. Baby, It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone

34. Sleigh Ride by Johnny Mathis

35. I'll Be Home For Christmas by Holly Conlan

36. Christmas Windows by Youth Group

37. Last Christmas by Jimmy Eat World

38. A Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives

39. Christmas Offering by Casting Crowns

40. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt with Henru Rene and His Orchestra

41. Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms and The Anita Kerr Singers

42. Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton

43. Christmas Time Is Here by Diana Krall

44. Little Drummer Boy by The Almost

45. Jingle Bells by Jim Reeves

THERE. There. That is all. Well not all, my real Christmas playlist has 163 songs in it. But these are the creme de la crop.

Reading Fish.

Okay. I read. I read a lot, actually. 

I am about to embark on a journey of reading every classic I can get my hands on. This does not mean I will not be reading other more modern books in between and during.. because everyone knows I love a good memoir perhaps written by someone in/fresh out of rehab? O_0

And as you can see, I am beginning with Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte (sorry, I dont know how to so that "e" with the two dots above it.) Why am I starting with this book of all books? Well for two reasons. 1) I saw it in Barnes and Noble, thought it had a cool cover and just decided to buy it. 2) Because Bella reads it over and over again in the Twilight series and I feel somewhat like Bella at times. 

So, why not. I actually had no idea this book had so much criticism surrounding it. The first thirty or so pages of the book are not actually the story, but explanations, introductions, and the like by many people including her sister, Charlotte (author of the first published Jane Eyre.) I also did not know that this book was written so long ago. 1847 to be exact. Emily wrote it right before she died at the age of 30 in 1850, sadly and ironically, from a cold she caught at her brother, Branwell's funeral. People died so young back then. Shout out to modern medicine.

But I digress (I've always wanted to say that.) Here I am, on the brink of Christmas break and I am ready to dive in to what has been called a coarse, pagan, demented, insanely-written, topsy turvy, most confusing novel of all time. I'm so ready.

Here's what I've read so far this year (actually since the beginning of summer, I can't really remember what read before that) and I recommend ALL of them to you. Except one.

1. Paper Towns by John Green

2. A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

3. The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

4. Crank by Ellen Hopkins

5. Dry by Augusten Burroughs

6. Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris

7. Go Ask Alice by (Anonymous, actually.)

8. Twilight by Stephanie Meyers

9. New Moon by Stephanie Meyers

10. Eclipse by Stephanie Meyes

11. Apples by Richard Milward

12. Indecision by I don't care because it was an awful book. (Maybe I will like it later in life.)

13. Sellevision by Augusten Burroughs

14. Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs

15. Pieces by Stephen Chbosky

16. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer

17. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger

18. The Little Prince by Antoine Saint Exupery

19. It's Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini

20. The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time by Mark Haddon

and I will be adding to the list soon with what is waiting to be read on my shelves right now:

22. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

23. An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

24. Looking for Alaska by John Green

25. Harry: A History by Melissa Anelli

Also, Hillary just pointed something out to me. The Almost/Aaron Gillespie's band covered the song "The Little Drummer Boy" and Aaron is the drummer for Underoath. How cool is that?

Anyway, got any books to suggest, please do.

How 'bout it?

A Holiday/Christmas/Winter Wonderful Time Mix?

Sounds like a good idea to me.

1. Do You Hear What I Hear by Copeland

2. Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing by Sufjan Stevens

3. Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24 by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

4. A Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives

5. Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys

6. My Only Wish (This Year) by Britney Spears

7. Christmas Windows by Youth Group

8. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by Perry Como

9. Silver Bells by Johnny Mathis

10. Little Drummer Boy by The Almost

11. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney

12. Silent Night by House of Heroes

13. Carol Of The Bells by August Burns Red

15. Christmas In Dixie by Alabama

16. O Come O Come Emmanuel by Shane and Shane

17. Sing We Now Of Christmas by Barlow Girl

18. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey

19. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by John Mellencamp

20. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland

21. Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry

22. Baby, It's Cold Outside by Dean Martin and Doris Day

23. White Christmas by Bing Crosby

24. Carol Of The Bells by The Bird and The Bee

25. Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton

26. Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) by Death Cab For Cutie

27. Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms and The Anita Kerr Singer

28. 12 Days Of Christmas by The Andrews Sister

29. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays by *NSYNC

30. The Christmas Song by The Nat King Cole Trio

31. Carol Of The Bells by Thrice

Obviously, I love Carol Of The Bells. I have like 9 versions of it. O_O

ALRIGHT. Get to downloadin' or whatever it is that you do. Just listen.

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

I just finished reading this last night!

First of all, I had no idea what was in for when I started reading this book.

And I hardly know what to say about it now! SO I'm just going to tell you to head to Barnes and Noble and pick it up. Yes, it is in the young adult fiction section (or something to that effect), but it is not, by any means, childish.

Give this and Ned V. a chance.

GO! NOW.