Out of Control

I have no idea what is going on anymore. I officially resign myself from citizenship on this planet because apparently it has decided to turn its back on me and go insane. I say this because a serious of occurrances have been layed out behind me, all of them connecting, all of them unexpected. I hardly know where to begin, or whether I wish to begin at all. I normally dont like summarizing either since I am known to be a most supreme storyteller and summing things up is not in my nature. Making lists, however, is indeed in my nature. But this week is nearly unlistable, since I dont plan on naming names and events. I am in a pickle.

Okay, okay. I'm beating around the mulberry bush. I'll get to the point. (one quick note: why does the rhyme "Here We Go 'Round The Mulberry Bush" end with "ashes, ashes, we all fall down!" It used to freak meout as a kid.) This spring break is the one to end all spring breaks. I like to call it "The Week of Like." Since the night before the first day of spring break, things have been falling apart. Or torn apart, rather. It all started on Thursday, my birthday of all days, and ended at 5 a.m. Friday morning. My heart was silently broken that night/morning, but there's not much I can do about it. Its the strangest feeling. Like anger, sadness, thankfulness, frustration, happiness, and pity all went to the roller disco and skated over me all night. No one knew what I was going through at the time, and I hardly doubt that many people do now. I felt so awkward, more than ever in my life. But I also felt it was job to not say a word. Not a peep. If two people find such chemistry in each other... what can I do? Unrequited love....
So I didn't say a word. "Best of happiness to you both" is all I have to say.

And throughout the weekend, updates have been filling my cellphones inbox concerning the new relationship that I would like to obliterate, but find myself deeper and deeper in this hole I have dug for myself. Maybe someone should just build a house over the opening and get married on it's veranda, then have a couple kids so I would hear the pitter patter of the children's little feet that should've been mine.

So now, I have been handed a golden envelope. I am on the other side of the weed-filled garded; I am the one being pursued. By someone I am not wishing would pursue me. Attraction is not found between me and this certain boy. I feel like I am lying to him and myself just by talking to him. He is not for me and I am not for him. His is in love with the idea of me, and I am in love with the idea of someone bein in love with me. So so wrong. I've got to get out of this now. Good thing he is so far away...

I am messed up, can't you see? I also just finished watching the cartoon movie Madagascar. The zebra just wants to be free, but when he is, he realizes that all of his happiness is gone and he has to undo everything he thought he wanted. Oh, Dreamworks. What you do to me at 2 in the morning.

I really need to sleep. Hopefully God speaks to me through some seriously vivid dreams, those are always interesting. Hahahaha. All I want to do is wake up and smell the roses. And coffee. And pancakes.